BROWSE > Home Page > What I Like > He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...

" Often it is the most deserving people who cannot help loving those who destroy them. "
- ♥ - Hermann Hesse - ♥ -

Photograph courtesy of SnapShotStrawn

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...

Many women become trapped in emotionally abusive relationships and feel that it is their fault.Through isolation, they forget what is a normal healthy relationship. Here are some danger signs of toxic relationships:-

Controlling Behavior
Emotionally abusive men have a common thinking style. They seek meek and strong women alike. Confident women are a challenge to them. They want to establish commitment from a woman quickly, and don't like uncertainty. As a result of this, women only hve a narrow window of opportunity to determine if their relationship is abusive.

One way to overcome this is not to jump in too fast in any relationship. Be watchful of telltale signs before moving in or becoming too involved.

Women risk losing their confidence, strength and independence when trapped in a controlling relationship.

Some examples:-
- He discusses his future with her in a definite way very early in their relationship.
- He wants to make all the decisions about what they do together.
- He tells her she'll be perfect if only she just changes....(fill in blanks with anything) about herself.
- He tells her how to dress and behave when they go out together.
- He expects to have rights that he denies her.
- He punishes her with anger, emotional withdrawal or broken promises if he doesn't get his way.
Constructive-Destructive Behavior
He will say wonderful things to the woman to 'build' her up, only to follow this with destructive behavior to destroy her confidence.

An example:-
- He constantly draws attention to the mistakes she makes and brings them up again, at a later date.
Extreme Jealousy
He demands all of the woman's time and prevents her from seeing her friends and family. He insists on knowing every detail of what she does when they are not together.

By not giving her any space, he stops her from spending time alone to process information properly. This is actually a manipulative ploy to stop her from seeing him clearly.
Tell-tale Language Signs
He will portray himself as her savior, and will tell her all her problems will disappear if she is with him. He will say that she is special and different from any other women he has ever met although he hardly knows her. He may refer to his 'ex' as someone who 'betrayed' him.

Some examples:-
- He speaks negatively about a demographic she belongs to, for example, her sex, her nationality, her religion or ethnicity.
- He blames someone else for his mistakes.

What are Some Changes She Starts to See in Herself?

She finds that she acts contrary to what she feels is right for her, just to 'keep the peace'.
She starts to believe that if she just gives in to this guy, everything will be alright. However, studies have shown that if the manipulator has very little respect and affection for the person/s he is able to manipulate.
She starts to believe in his lies (for example, that she isn't good enough, that her family and friends hate him for no reason)

Don't ever think you are too smart to get caught in his web. Your confidence will not save you. Those methods he uses will work on anyone, as has been shown scientifically.

Some Easy Tips for Her

Don't look for a man to save you.
Give yourself space. Don't spend all your time with him, especially early on in the relationship. A reasonable person would understand.
Take the early part of the relationship slowly.
Work out what he finds funny. Laughter is hard to control. If someone laughs at something you find offensive, you have fundamentally different views.
Introduce him to people who know you very well. Does your family or friends like him? Are your friends and family concern about you? Their views matter too, despite what he may say.
While he may not have set out to actively and strategically destroy you (the way wars are fought), nevertheless, he has a psychological problem which needs professional help. You, as an individual, will not be able to 'cure' or help this man. It is never in your best interest to be psychologically 'broken' by anyone, even someone you may believe you love. Always remember that 'No one is worth your tears. The person who is worth your tears won't make you cry'.
Never believe him if he says he will change.

And if you're still not scared after all of this, then watch the movie 'Sleeping with the Enemy' & reflect.

Comments

Added on Oct 1st, 2009. Comment by Diane Gawne.

Great tips! Thanks for sharing, as usual!

Added on Oct 1st, 2009. Comment by Vene2ia.

Thanks for liking it. I hope you find it useful.

Added on Oct 1st, 2009. Shannon Collard.

wow...you are amazing Yvonne! thank you! :)

Added on Oct 1st, 2009. Comment by Laura Yamada.

this is a great article! I would like to see this message get out to more younger women (teens) who think that control and jealousy from their "man" is love....

Added on Oct 1st, 2009. Comment by Danielle.

OMGosh Laura! You hit the nail on the head!

Added on Oct 1st, 2009. Comment by Laura Yamada.

You just have to walk in a mall, and overhear young girls(and I mean girls) talking...it's sad, and scary...I don't know where they get this idea...

Added on Oct 1st, 2009. Comment by Diane Gawne.

I feel that males (young and older) should watch this as well...a lot of them don't know the proper way to treat a lady.

Added on Oct 1st, 2009. Comment by Laura Yamada.

You are so right, Diane! Just where are these attitudes coming from though? It's learned from somewhere....

Added on Oct 1st, 2009. Comment by Diane Gawne.

Possibly lack of a male in the home enviornment, or no strong male role model? Bad influences of gangs, TV/movies, so called friends? Christ not in the home? Sure there's more...Multitude of possibilities!

Added on Oct 1st, 2009. Comment by Vene2ia.

Ladies, feel free to forward this to your friends and family not on FB. I feel this is an important message to get to as many people as possible

Added on Oct 3rd, 2009. Comment by Peggy List.

When I was young - I thought that this was strictly a guy doing to a girl happening - as I've grown older and seen much, much more - I have found that this is very much a two-way street and that girls are also guilty of doing this to guys. Insecure people always try to control others. It's a very destructive behavior pattern that strikes both sexes and what some think of as "love" is sometimes "control".

Added on Oct 3rd, 2009. Comment by Vene2ia.

Peggy,I agree. Women are just as guilty of doing this. As you so rightly pointed out, the need for control is borne of insecurity, a trait that occurs in both men and women.